嚮往自由的天空

最近好一陣子沒聽音樂，一來是流行樂真的聽膩了，整個目錄看來看去，能聽的不過那幾手。二來，耳朵被耳機慣壞，MP3 怎麼聽都是平板的音場，聽 APE 當然會好很多，檔案大小就不適合存太多專輯在硬碟裡了。

早上開電路圖，PDF檔，Matlab 檔，同時寫研究所裡的作業，把小地震介紹的 Tori Amos 專輯，Little Earthquakes 放來廳，起碼裡面有百聽不厭的 " Silent All These Years"。Tori Amos 的聲音實在很適合在情緒低潮時聽，淡淡的，似乎可以把潛藏在內心深處的感情，用跟釣竿，慢慢地抽取上來。

當我在跟 Matlab 程式奮鬥，嘲笑昨天自己豬頭，想不通那個特定的 function 拿來幹嘛，今天不就迎刃而解時，聽到背景突然安靜下來，Tori Amos 搭配簡簡單單的鋼琴聲，慢慢的唱著


When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do


我的心好像被大鐵鎚搥了一下，胸口正中央似乎有個洞，想把自己，塞進去，消失在這個空間中。

優柔寡斷似乎是我個性裡的一部份，好多決定都是被逼到不得不時，才被迫踏出去。往往腳步走出去後，才發現，原來並沒有想像的那麼糟糕。上帝爸爸總是在一旁看顧著我。考研究所是一個例子，考上後，找指導教授也是。明明已經想好了，東拖西拖就是沒法子把單子交給老師，簽名蓋章。

感情也是。三十好幾了，卻遲遲不能成家。週末時，面對著空蕩蕩，只有電視開著的房間，真的是很空虛。還好，我還有很可愛的小足球陪著我。

工作方面，今年已經立下決心，該是離開這個產業訓練班，呆了五年，也夠了。面試了幾家外商，沒想到說要錄取我的，碰上了 budget control，head count 遲遲沒法子 approval 下來。一拖又是一個月過去了，連個消息也沒有。

手上的計畫，依舊如火如荼地排開萬難，奮力往前衝。管他一天燒一億，管他德國掛掉，管他 Layout 工程師中秋節連假沒的放，昨晚加班，死拼活拼要在今天把檔案丟出去，結果早上來，才被告知，我們可以順延，等到下星期二完成就可以.....

不走，再不走，就走不掉，得要熬過農曆年才能走了....


When you gonna make up your mind
'Cause things are gonna change so fast

唉，該是化決心為行動的時候到了。公司是不會把個人當家人看的。
I think it's a good time to say good bye.

等等，再有耐心等等，把條件談好，就可以走了。
Winter 總有過完的一天....

Tori Amos, Winter
--------------------------------

Snow can wait, I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose, get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter
I put my hand in my fathers glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice you must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I cant always be around

He says when you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and Im here still waiting
Withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror wheres the crystal palace
But I only can see myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thing

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey and the fires are burning
So many dreams on the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud
I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gona change so fast

All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear